I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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