I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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