piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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