I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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