i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
