There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
