I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
