why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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