and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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