Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
