I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
