Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
