i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
