I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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