maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
