ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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