I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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