1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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