Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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