oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize