Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
