i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
