Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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