I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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