So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
