I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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