She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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