So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
