My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
