so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
