I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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