Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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