i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
