It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize