im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
