I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize