I am in a vortex of obligation.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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