when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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