onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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