oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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