I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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