How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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