JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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