God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
