I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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