And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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