Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
