we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
