Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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