I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
