you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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