My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
