I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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