Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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