I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
