if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
